Dementia Accusing Family of Stealing: What to Say and Do

The short answer: don't defend yourself, help them look

When a parent or spouse with dementia accuses you of stealing, the most helpful thing you can say is: "That's upsetting. Let's look for it together." Then help them search, calmly, without arguing.

It is natural to want to defend yourself. But "Nobody stole it, you lost it" almost always makes the accusation louder. Your loved one cannot remember putting the item away, so to them, your explanation sounds like an excuse.

Helping them look ends the accusation faster than any argument. And if you find the item, let them be the one to "find" it.

Why people with dementia accuse family of stealing

Here is what is usually happening. Your loved one puts their purse, wallet or glasses somewhere safe. A short time later, they can't remember doing it. The item is simply gone.

Their brain then looks for an explanation. "I forgot where I put it" is hard to accept, especially when memory loss itself is hard to recognize. "Someone took it" makes more sense. And the people most likely to be blamed are the ones who are closest and around the most: you.

Other things that can feed these suspicions:

• Hiding things to feel safe. Many people with dementia hide money, jewelry or food because it helps them feel secure and in control. Then they forget the hiding spot.
• Feeling a loss of control. When so much is changing, suspicion can be a way of trying to make sense of it all.
• Not recognizing people or places. A familiar caregiver may suddenly seem like a stranger in the house.
• Trouble seeing or hearing. Missing parts of a conversation or misreading what they see can lead to wrong conclusions.
• Physical causes. An infection, pain, poor sleep or a medication side effect can bring on or worsen paranoia.

The Alzheimer's Association reminds caregivers that these accusations can be hurtful, but the disease is driving them. Try not to take them personally.

What to say when you're accused of stealing

Use a calm, low voice and a relaxed face. Keep explanations short and simple. Pick one of these:

• "I'm sorry you can't find it. Let's look together."
• "That's upsetting. I'll help you."
• "You're worried about your purse. Your things are safe here."
• "Where did you see it last? Could it be in your drawer?"
• "Is this the one you were looking for?"

If you know where the item is, don't march over and hand it back with a "See?" Instead, guide them toward it: "Could it be in your dresser?" When they find it themselves, it restores their confidence instead of proving them wrong.

If they keep insisting you took it, you don't have to admit to anything or prove your innocence. Acknowledge how they feel, "It's awful to lose something important," and then gently move to a snack, a walk or a task they enjoy.

What not to say or do

• Don't argue, lecture or try to prove your innocence.
• Don't say "You just lost it" or "You're imagining things."
• Don't laugh it off or show anger, even if you feel it.
• Don't search for hours every time. Use a spare and look later, when things are calm.

Step by step: what to do in the moment

1. Take a breath. Remind yourself, "This is the disease talking."
2. Listen to the concern. Let them say what is missing and how they feel about it.
3. Agree with the feeling, not the facts. "That's upsetting" is true. "You're right, someone stole it" is not necessary.
4. Reassure them. Let them know you care and that their things are safe.
5. Search together. Start with their usual hiding spots.
6. Use a spare if you have one. A duplicate pair of glasses or a spare wallet can end the crisis in seconds.
7. Redirect. Once things calm down, offer a drink, music or a simple activity.

If the accusations are aimed at a paid caregiver or a visiting family member, quietly explain the situation to them ahead of time. Knowing it's the disease makes it much easier not to react.

Hiding and hoarding: how to find what's "missing"

Many "stolen" items turn up in the same few places. Hiding things can make a person with dementia feel safe and in control, but memory loss means they forget where they put them. Learning their favorite spots is one of the best things you can do.

Common hiding places to check

• Under the mattress, pillows or couch cushions
• Inside shoes, boots, coat pockets and purses
• Dresser drawers, especially under clothes
• Kitchen cabinets, the freezer or the oven
• Wastebaskets and trash cans
• Inside bags, boxes or rolled-up socks

The National Institute on Aging suggests checking the trash before you empty it, since items may have been thrown away by accident or hidden there. Check pockets before laundry, too.

If your loved one hides food, check their hiding spots regularly and clear out anything old. Spoiled food is a real health risk.

An OT's guide to setting up the home to prevent accusations

As an occupational therapist, I try to change the setup so the crisis doesn't happen in the first place. These small changes can cut down on the searching and the blaming:

• Keep duplicates of often-lost items. A spare pair of glasses, an extra set of keys and a second wallet or purse.
• Keep a spare wallet with a small amount of cash. Many people feel calmer when they can see they have money.
• Give them a "treasure box." A special drawer, box or purse of their own for keeping important things. It meets the need to keep things safe. You may need to remind them where it is.
• Lock up what truly matters. Put important documents, checkbooks, credit cards, real jewelry and medications in a locked or out-of-reach place.
• Close off unused rooms. Fewer places to hide means fewer places to search.
• Reduce clutter. A simpler space makes items easier to find for both of you.
• Protect the mail. If mail goes missing, the NIA suggests a post office box or a mailbox outside a locked gate.

Try not to throw things away in front of them, even if it looks like clutter. To your loved one, it may be a treasure, and seeing it go can feel like proof that someone is taking their things.

When the accusation might be true

Most accusations come from memory loss. But people with dementia can also be real targets for theft, scams and financial abuse. Don't dismiss every complaint without a quick, quiet check.

• Watch bank and credit card statements for charges or withdrawals you don't recognize.
• Notice new "friends," frequent callers or people pushing for money or gifts.
• Pay attention if valuables keep disappearing and never turn up in the usual hiding spots.
• If you suspect abuse or exploitation, contact your local Adult Protective Services, and call 911 if someone is in immediate danger.

Planning ahead helps protect your loved one. Talking with an elder law attorney about financial and legal planning can be a good step.

When to call the doctor

Paranoia is common in dementia, but it should not be ignored. Call the doctor if:

• The suspicion is new, severe or getting worse.
• It started suddenly or came with new confusion, agitation or sleepiness. This can be delirium, which needs medical attention.
• Your loved one is also seeing or hearing things that aren't there.
• You notice signs of infection, pain, poor sleep or dehydration.
• A medication was recently started or changed.
• Their fear is so strong that they won't eat, sleep or accept help, or they become aggressive.

The doctor can look for physical causes and talk about options. Please don't start, stop or change any medication on your own.

Call 911 in an emergency, such as if anyone is in immediate danger. For caregiver support any time, the free Alzheimer's Association Helpline is open 24/7 at 1-800-272-3900.

Being accused of stealing by someone you love, and are working so hard to care for, is painful. You are allowed to feel hurt. Step away for a few minutes when you need to, and remember: it's the disease, not the person, and not you.

Say this, not that

Questions families ask

This guide is education, not medical advice. Every person with dementia is different. A sudden change in behavior, confusion, sleep or movement can have a medical cause, so call the doctor when something changes quickly. In an emergency call 911.